If your spouse cannot do so, say, “Let me try again,” calmly repeat your statement, and ask again what was heard. After a bit, you might gently invite your spouse to tell you what he or she heard you say. Sit in silence for a while, if necessary. When you have completed your statement, STOP! Give your spouse time to process what you said. Listen carefully to understand your spouse’s point of view. When you state your request, you may reduce the likelihood of a defensive response by using the words, “Would you be willing to talk with me about this?” 3. In a healthy relationship, if one of you has a problem, you both do. Your spouse is NOT your enemy, the problem is and you want to enlist your spouse in addressing the problem together. Avoid attacking and blaming, as much as you can. Once you have clarified your thoughts and feelings, prepare a concise statement of your concern, starting with “I feel,” briefly describing the triggering event, and concluding with a simple request.
State your feelings and needs without attacking. If necessary, work with a trusted counselor to sort out your feelings and needs.
#Having courageous conversations how to
Letting anger drive your actions instead of choosing how to express your needs and feelings can damage the space between you. Anger signals that something needs attention, but it is usually a secondary emotion resulting from fear, frustration, or loneliness. What events have triggered the need to talk, and what feelings are welling up in you? What are you thinking about your feelings and about the triggering events? Are your judgments accurate or colored by some previous events? Is this experience really the same as those that triggered similar feelings in the past? How do you contribute to the problem? Most important of all, what do you want and need? Recognize any desire to punish or shame the other person and the likely consequences if you let that desire control your behavior. Examine your thoughts and feelings with absolute honesty. If your spouse refuses to participate, or if you have difficulty with the process, see “ WHAT IF?” at the end of this article. Follow these steps, based on research and experience (made popular in the mid-1970’s by Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training, and other publications) for the best possible outcome. How you approach even minor conflicts sets a tone for your relationship and determines whether or not you create a safe space in which you both can thrive and grow. Intentional use of effective communication skills not only helps solve problems, but builds a bridge between the partners in a relationship. Even a clumsy attempt to talk things through is better than ignoring a problem and hoping it will just go away. A pastoral counselor I know often says that whatever a couple is most reluctant to talk about is probably what they most need to discuss. People change over time, as well, and what was once quite satisfactory in a relationship may become uncomfortable for either or both persons. You may assume that love will shield you from conflict, but after the honeymoon glow wears off, most couples discover that they are still two distinct individuals with different histories, habits, and preferences. What are the most challenging conversations you might have with your spouse? How to manage conflicts over money, parenting, or household tasks? Whether or when to have children? What to do about a difficult child or other relative? Whether or not to accept a job offer that will require the family to move? How to resolve dissatisfactions with your sexual relationship, the amount of time you spend together, or the way you make decisions? How to address concerns about alcohol and other drugs, health and wellness, or time spent watching television? How to accommodate differences in regard to church participation, politics, or social issues?
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